I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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