Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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