I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
