my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
