I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
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