I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Randomize
