You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
