I think my fart just growled at me.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
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