You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
