Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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