I hate your face
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
