i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
My penis needs a shock collar
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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