Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
