Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
