No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
