just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
