I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
