My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
