I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
