drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
