Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
