i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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