you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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