Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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