so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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