You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
