he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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