my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
