I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Is it because I queefed?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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