Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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