I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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