I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
