Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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