Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Dignity is for republicans.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
