Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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