Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
