I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I want to make a zoo with you.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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