I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
