Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
