I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
