You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
