He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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