I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
