Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
