Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Randomize
