no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
