omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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