Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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