I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
