I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
