theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
