i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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