I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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