when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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