I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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