mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
