were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
